JOKES IN PHYSICAL SCIENCES AND ENGINEERING
Bart’s Universal Law of Motion
Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty
Stochastic Differential Equations
God, the Devil, and an Engineer
CFD (Computational Fluid Dynamics) Graduate Student Commandments
Theory is when one knows everything but nothing
works. Practice is when everything works but nobody knows why. In our lab,
theory and practice go hand in hand: nothing works and nobody knows why.
A body at
rest remains at rest until a parental body comes and tells it to mow the lawn.
#3 Bart’s Universal Law of Motion
Everything
that goes up must come down, man.
Atom #1: I
have lost an electron!
Atom #2:
Are you sure?
Atom #1: I
am positive.
A neutron
walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender
says, “For you, no charge.”
One of the examiners
addresses the PhD candidate:
My dear colleague, there are many new and
accurate statements in your thesis. Unfortunately, those which are accurate are
not new, and those which are new are not accurate.
A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six
productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the
Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal. At the meeting, the Provost
told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the
University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your
tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female,
condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy
theorist!" Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a
moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said,
"I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention,
but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"
#9 Heisenberg’s Principle of
Uncertainty
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by
a policeman. The policeman asked, “Do you know how fast you were going back
there?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”
Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?Answer: Elephant grape sine theta.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an
engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym,
all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys
against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each
other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician,
physicist, and engineer were asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”
The mathematician said, “Never.”
The physicist said, “In an infinite
amount of time.”
The engineer said, “Well... in about
two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
An engineer, a physicist, a
mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of
the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs
to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just
to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water
into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the trashcan
in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physicist.
He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink,
fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters of water, and douses the flames.
Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.
A few minutes later, the mathematician
wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper,
scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a
solution exists.
Meanwhile, the statistician is
running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples.
#14 Binary Opinion (sent by Graeme Morris)
There are only 10 different kinds of persons – those who understand binary, and those who do not.
After every flight,
Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire
almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main
tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
very rough.
S: Auto-land not
installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in
cockpit.
S: Something tightened
in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on
back-order.
P: Autopilot in
altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce
problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on
right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume
unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to
more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're
for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative
in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine
missing.
S: Engine found on
right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles
funny.
S: Aircraft warned to
straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target
radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from
under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from
midget.
#16 A Quote from Oksendal “Stochastic
Differential Equations” (sent by Tim Field)
We have not succeeded in answering all our problems.
The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In
some
ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but
we believe we are confused on a higher level and about more important things.
#17 Four-dimensional Geometry (from Bo Thidé’s Electromagnetic Field Theory)
Alfred Whitehead writes in his book The Concept
of Nature: “I regret that it has been necessary for me in this lecture to
administer a large dose of four-dimensional geometry. I do not apologise,
because I am really not responsible for the fact that nature in its most
fundamental aspect is four-dimensional. Things are what they are. . . ”
#18 Square Root of Infinity (from Michio Kaku’s book Parallel
Worlds)
From George Gamow:
There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who took the square root of infinity
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets;
He dropped Math and took up Divinity.
#19 Spherical Chicken in a Vacuum (from Richard
Martin’s compilation http://www.phy.ilstu.edu/~rfm/107F07/EPMjokes.html)
A farmer, an engineer, and a physicist were all
asked to build a chicken coop. The farmer says, “Well, last time I had so many
chickens and my coop was so and so big and this time I have this many chickens
so I’ll make it this much bigger and that oughtta work just fine.” The engineer
tackles the problem by surveying, costing materials, reading up on chickens and
their needs, writing down a bunch of equations to minimize the cost per
chicken, taking into account the lay of the land and writing a computer program
to solve the problem. The physicist looks at the problem and says, “Let’s start
by assuming a spherical chicken in a vacuum...”.
#20 Large Hadron Collider (sent by Ricardo Heras)
#21 God, the Devil, and an Engineer
http://www.engineeringhumor.com/jokes.html
Although locked in fierce competition
for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee
just to catch up with each other. One week they are in heaven and the next they
are in hell. When it was God’s turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling
a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped
down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, “You look pretty
pleased with yourself.” “Yeah,” said the Devil, “Things are really looking up
since I got that engineer last week. He’s put in escalators and flush toilets,
and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I’ve been
meaning to thank you for turning him away up here.” God looked stunned, and
almost spilled coffee into the saucer. “You know that you're not supposed to
get any engineers,” God said. “Peter was bringing in some new help at the gates
last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we’ll
straighten it out.” But the Devil just chuckled and said, “No. I think I’ll keep
him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see
why you keep them all for yourself.” “Send him back,” demanded God “No,”
smirked the Devil. God thundered, “Send him back, or...” “Or what?” the Devil
asked. “Or I’ll sue,” finished God. The Devil chuckled again. “Where are you
going to get a lawyer?”
http://sms4smile.com/funny-sms/height-of-confidence.html
Once many professors were called and asked to
sit in an airplane. After they sat they were informed that the plane was made
by their students. All of them ran and got out of the plane except one.
When asked for his reason to stay, he said,
"If it's made by my students it will not even start."
#23 General Knowledge of Calculus (sent by Steve C. Cripps)
Two mathematicians were in a restaurant arguing
about the mathematical abilities of the general public. One was particularly
convinced that people had no general knowledge of calculus. While he was
visiting the toilet his colleague decided to play a little trick on him, and
beckoned to their blond waitress and said to her "when you come to take
our order I will ask a question, you must reply 'X cubed over three'. When the
other returned to the table the waitress came over and the trickster said
"what is the integral of X squared?". She dutifully replied "X
cubed over three" then fixed him with a sarcastic stare and added
"...plus the arbitrary constant of integration".
Frankenstein Research Laboratory, Castle
Frankenstein
In 1958 Leo Esaki, a
Japanese scientist and a Nobel Prize winner, discovered the tunnel diode
phenomenon (when he wasn't saying "rook, Godzirra!). If a semiconductor
junction diode is heavily doped with impurities, its I-V curve will have a
region of negative resistance (the slope is negative, or downward). Such diodes
are called "tunnel diodes", and have broad applications in
microwaves. This region has been exploited to create oscillators, but it also
makes a very efficient detector. Why the word "tunnel"? We'd have to
resort to quantum physics to explain that, but we won't, because no real
microwave engineer cares!
(from http://www.microwaves101.com/encyclopedias/446-tunnel-diodes)
#26 CFD Graduate Student Commandments
1. Thou shalt test for grid
independence.
2. For transient problems: thou shalt
test for time step independence.
3. If simulating particles: thou shalt release enough particles for
statistical significance.
4. If using wall functions: thou shalt check that the Y+ value at the
wall is in the log-law region.
5. Thou shalt understand the equations
being solved.
6. Thou shalt check sensitivity to
uncertain inlet conditions such as turbulence intensity and length scale.
7. Thou shalt backup thine data.
8. Thou shalt read the literature.
9. Thou shalt validate CFD predictions
against experiments.
10. Thou shalt verify CFD predictions
against analytical results wherever possible.
11. Thou shalt document all of thine
inputs and analysis
12. Thou shalt double check all inputs
into CFD codes.
13. Thou shalt not plagiarise.
14. Thou shalt show up to meetings on
time.
15. Thou shalt bring thine own pen.
16. Thou shalt respond to emails and
shall use appropriate ‘subject’.
17. Thou shalt have a strong work ethic,
be self-motivated, and treat graduate studies as a full time job.
#27 Coaxial Connectors (from Edward F. Kuester, University
of Colorado Boulder, http://ecee.colorado.edu/~kuester/Coax/connchart.htm)
Those unaccustomed to the use of the terms
"male" and "female" to describe connectors will have to get
used to this time-honored engineering nomenclature. Those of us who work with
them regularly use the terminology without a second thought. One day a number
of years back, my daughter (who was about 8 years old at the time, if memory
serves) was in the lab with me while I was working at the network analyzer with
one of the grad students. She overheard our conversation, peppered as it was
with the terms "male connector" and "female connector".
After we were done, she asked me why the connectors were named that way. Well,
this was a conversation I had expected to have in somewhat different
circumstances, but I gave her a quick summary of the "how-babies-get-made"
story, followed by the analogy that is implied by the connector terminology.
She thought about it for a few moments when I was done, and then said,
"Daddy, that's just weird." It's hard to argue with that.
#28 Potential
(from www.reddit.com)
A physicist sees a man about to jump off the
Empire State Building. He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles
across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get the great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was
walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, “Take
what you want.” ”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
“Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big
as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, “What’s with those guys? We’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don't think I’ve ever
seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper.
Let’s have a word with him.”
He then said, “Hello George! What’s wrong with
that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a
group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I’ll say a
special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’ll contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at
night?”
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical
engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil
engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why
does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
“How does it work?”
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, “How
much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you
want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke,
don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it isn’t sufficiently
complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
Two engineers were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this
flagpole,” said Steve, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took pliers from her purse, loosened
a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape
measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, “21 feet,” and walked
away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot
of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
Both engineers have since quit their
engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress.